Ignoring the Matter
by sherbett
Summary: Dean isn't at all happy with the way life is going and it seems the only time he actually feels alright is when Castiel is around.


**Title:** Ignoring The Matter  
**Disclaimer:** I don't not own Supernatural or any of the characters.  
**Pairing/Characters:** Castiel/Dean, Sam  
**Rating:** M  
**Summary:** Dean is angry at the world but feels better while Castiel is around.  
**Notes:** One-shot.

Life is unfair. It's full of ironic twists that break your heart and destroy you. You'll always feel as if you've missed something, as if everyone else is on something you have no idea about. You'll always be an outsider. Not quite fitting in anywhere, never belonging. Dean knows this. His whole life has been spent fighting unimaginable evils that most people don't even know exist. He sees how most 'outsiders' grasp at straws, telling themselves they belong, kidding themselves into believing. They change their music, clothes, speech, they mould _themselves_ into something society will accept. He laughs at the way they act content, pretending to be happy but deep down he sometimes wishes he was normal. He wishes he could have a normal life, including a mother, a family, a nine-till-five job and a two story house. The American dream.

Instead he got this. This crummy motel room. It's horrible wallpaper peeling away at the edges, revealing layers upon layers of previous wallpaper. Wallpaper that had been covered up, hidden, replaced by something just as bad. He got a life full of fear and death. He got the responsibility of saving the world. He got pulled from hell, by an _angel_. His life is full of everything most people would ignore if they knew it existed. The kinds of things they would cover up, replace with something just as horrible.

Sure, it used to be bearable. He used to have Sam... and Castiel, as annoying as he was. He used to have Bobby, Ellen and even Ruby. Now all he has is this room. He's been cooped up here for days. Unable to leave. Unable to make an effort. Unable to care. He had never meant for that night to happen. Even thinking back on it for the hundredth time his hand clenches into a fist.

His phone sits on the table next to him. He doesn't expect anyone to call, after the way he left them, not even Sam would call. Still he hopes. He hopes so much that he often mistakes the dull light glinting off the screen as an alert for a message, a call, anything.

*****

"_Dean" Sam practically yells, crossing the room angrily._

_"What?" Dean's voice is the opposite, calm and quiet._

_"You know what! We have to talk about this" Sam continues to yell._

_"No we don't! Just drop it" He knows Sam's not going to just drop it. He never does._

_Castiel suddenly appears, causing Sam to pause._

_"I can't just ignore what happened Dean. Neither can you" Sam's voice is a lot quieter now. As if yelling in the presence of an angel is a sin. Dean smiles at the thought. If simply yelling around an angel is a sin he's pretty much screwed, considering what he's done to angels. _

_"He's right" Castiel joins the conversation._

_"Why are you even here?" Dean tries to change the subject._

_Castiel gives him a pointed look. One that says you-already-know-that-I'm-here-for-you._

_"You know what? I do not these this. Not from either of you. I bust my ass trying to stop the seals from being broken. For what? This world is full of horrible people. Horrible things. The second I do one thing differently you all gang up and blame me for everything."_

_After a few seconds of silence Castiel moves towards Dean, enveloping him in a hug. Dean pushes him away, seeing the confusion in the angels eyes._

_"Just stay the fuck away, all of you!" Dean's voice is low, almost threatening. He can see the hurt appear in Castiel's eyes, blending with the confusion._

_He suddenly can't stand to be here. Moving towards the door..._

*****

He wakes in a cold sweat and tries to shake the dream from his mind. Tries to focus on something else, anything else. He moves to the sink, splashing cold water on his face. He hadn't meant to fall asleep. Sleep isn't what he wants. He wants everything to be right again. He wants to stop reliving the same moments over and over again.

He sits back at the table, laying his cheek on the cold wood and sighing as he closes his eyes. By the time he opens them he is able to see a dim shape in the darkness. A shape looking surprisingly like a human. But how? He hadn't heard the door open and he sleeps lightly enough to wake if it did. The shape moves closer and he can make out the angel.

"Dean" Castiel nods in greeting.

"Cas...." Dean lifts his head off the table. He can see no anger in the angels blue eyes.

"I'm sorry" Dean mumbles, averting his eyes to the floor.

He feels Castiel's warm fingers under his chin, lifting his face and forcing them to meet eyes.

"You should never be ashamed Dean" Castiel leans in, pressing his lips against Dean's in way that is so familiar. And suddenly Dean feels as if he belongs, as if life isnt so bad. That and the feeling of Castiel against him, which is the best thing he has ever felt.

The feeling starts to fade as Castiel pulls away. "You still want me to stay away?" He asks, his voice _almost_ innocent.

"You can stay for now" Dean teases.

Dean knows if he was given the chance, he could never pick the normal life over _this._


End file.
